X-Rated

As a rule, I'm not a huge fan of reality shows; it takes a superhuman effort for me not to scream when I hear people in work talking about 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'. Instead, I generally just have a rant about it being the same every year, and pointing out that eating a kangaroo's ring piece doesn't technically constitute entertainment. The one show that I've always had a soft spot for though, is The X Factor.

Reality TV is more powerful than religion. They try and tempt you with their obviously empty offers of entertainment, which you happily ignore, smug in the knowledge that you aren't wasting your life like the rest of the herd. Until one day you get curious and tune in, only as an ironic observer of course, happily mocking all of those who have been drawn in by it. And you carry on watching because it's hilarious; how are so many people possibly falling for this old rubbish? They're idiots! And on you go, chuckling contentedly to yourself, right up until the final, when you realise you have spent over twenty quid voting for your favourite contestant, knowing it would be a catastrophe if that other annoying twat were to win. Then like the sad junkie that you've become, you writhe around your living room in agony, desperate with the sudden loss of your fix, scouring the TV schedules for the methadone that is Celebrity Big Brother. And even though you eventually find something to curb your craving, and are able to move on with your life, you'll always feel hollow inside, knowing that your old self is smugly grinning at you from somewhere deep within.

But I digress. I genuinely do like the X Factor and it has the following advatages over its competition:

1) The auditions process. It would be too obvious to just say that the audtions are hilarious, even though they often are. What really fascinates me though is the trend, in recent series, for auditionees with such a lack of self-awareness that having them on the show can only feel like bullying. And not from the obvious source of Mr Cowell's jibes, but from the simple fact that these people are allowed to get through the initial screening process at all. They might as well hang a sign round their necks saying, 'They've only put me through so you can laugh at how stupid I am'.

Now, I'm not saying that cruelty is a good reason for liking something, far from it. It's just that some of these people seem so unrealistic that days later, I find myself still debating whether or not some of them are actors. I mean, surely some of them must be? Surely? How many TV shows give you so much to think about?

2) Talent. Despite what some snottier commentators may say (including my dad - but he's not really an expert), there are always at least some of the contestants that are talented (anyone remember Leona Lewis?); and watching a competition based (at least partly) on an ability, is always more entertaining that voting for the least unlikable person in the jungle.

3) Cheryl Cole. Quite simply, I'm in love.

4) Judges that fight. Yes, it's a big pantomime in which Simon and Louis desperately want to be the dame, but there's nothing wrong with a good pantomime. You can't beat a good bit of melodrama and overacting on a Saturday night. Even fake hissy fits and tantrums can liven up any show.

5) The Xtra Factor. Yes, it's a bonus that it's hosted by the lovely Holly Willoughby (whose attractiveness is the epitome of being more than the sum of its parts), but it's getting the backstage opinions of the judges and contestants that counts. It really adds to your feeling of involvement in the show (perhaps to an unhealthy level, admittedly). And Holly is far more than just a pretty face and has the talent to bring a real warmth to the show. You can't help but feel that she will be poached to host the main show before too long, which would be a shame as the Xtra Factor is the far more interesting gig.

And last but not least,

6) Sob stories. No, I'm only joking, even I don't like the sob stories.

This year has been particularly competitive, although whether that's because the line up has been generally strong or uniformly weak, I don't know. It's almost impossible to make a objective call on this while the competition is still in progress. That said, I was sad to see Ruth go home last night, as she was nowhere near the weakest of the five remaining competitors (I'm looking at you JLS!). It would be a crime if Alexandra Burke doesn't go on to win; not only has she got the strongest voice in the contest, but she looks every inch the pop star and is the only contestant who has really given a performance week in week out. But being the most talented makes it almost inevitable that she won't win; if I had to pick a winner it would be badger foetus, Eoghan Quigg.

Incidentally, I'd like to give a hearty thank you to James Corden over on the Xtra Factor last night, for saying what we were all thinking about Britney's dismal 'performance'. Why they bothered with her is something of a mystery, but I'm guessing Simon won't be asking her back next year.

On a final note, it's worth noting the influence of Sky Plus on my continued fascination with the show. If you count the Xtra Factor episodes (which of course I do), the show was on for a staggering 3 hours 55 minutes (7:35 till 11:30!). With Sky Plus I was able to watch it all in 1 hour 33 minutes. If I had to watch it live, I think the excessive amount of padding would have driven me mad years ago.

Vote for Alex!