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The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - The Final

It's the final day of CBB for another year, and as such we've compiled two separate poles:

The Order We Think They Will Finish

1. Verne

2. Ben

3. Coolio

4. Ulrika 

5. Terry

The Order In Which We'd Like Them To Finish

1. Terry

2. Coolio

3. Verne

4. Ulrika

5. Ben

We'll be back after the final to see how our predictions fared.

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 22nd Jan

Apathy has set in, right before the final. Yesterday's results were:

1=Terry

1=Coolio

3=Ben

3=Ulrika

5. Verne

It's all getting very tight, and Verne has plummeted down the rankings. Who will win? You decide. Well, you do if you bother to vote.

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 21st Jan

Getting near the end now and my will is fading fast:

1. Terry - Takes advantage of Verne's slip.
2. Coolio
3. Ben
4. Ulrika
5. Verne - A tremendous fall from grace - and this is with JLS voting too!
6. Tommy
7. La Toya

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 20th Jan

The 'pole' is controversially being published a day late, due in no small part to this controversial letter:

Steven,
I feel in would be inappropriate for me to participate in today's BB
Pole as I failed to watch last nights show.
It is with deep regret that I did
not fulfil my duty last night. As a result I feel that the only way manner in
which this situation can be rectified is by you solely calculating the scores
for the BB Pole today.
Apologies,
Your esteemed colleague.
JLS

So, as a result, I had to compile the rankings alone, so alone, cold and lonely. And here they are (mainly based on chillie eating):

1. Terry - Terry has been my personal pick since the beginning and it's JLS' love of Verne that has kept him from the top spot.

2. Ben - Remained very calm whilst eating chillies.

3. Verne - Eating two chillies must count as more than double for Vernon.

4. Coolio - Only had two chillies.

5. Ulrika - Needs to cheer up.

6. Tommy - Still not recovered from the day he went mental.

7. La Toya - Laughs like her brother. Disturbing.

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 19th Jan

Sometimes they say that you shouldn't vote out the annoying contestants because they provide more entertainment. To an extent I agree with the sentiment. In Tina's case, she had to go, and she thankfully did. Oh, and Mutya skulked out, leaving the pressing question, 'did she get paid?'.
It's all change on the leaderboard after a busy weekend:

1. Coolio - He's sprung to the top spot from nowhere, and he probably provide most value.
2. Terry - Steady Eddy, well, Steady Terry.
3=Verne - Has slipped down the rankings as I still try to come to terms with his drunken antics.
3=Michelle - Does she like Ben?
3=Ben - Does he like Michelle?
6. Ulrika - Quite low because she whacked Terry.
7. La Toya - I've nothing against her, she just isn't really involved.
8. Tommy - Went a bit mental last night.

There's an eviction tonight, so will it be Tommy to go? We'll see you tomorrow.

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 16th Jan

Oh it's eviction night and the feeling's right. For Tina to be booted out.

1) Verne - Back on top, mainly for jumping off some boxes in to Michelle's arms.

2) Coolio - He's the only contestant with a cookery book.

3) Terry - The manc slips.

4) Ben - Moves up a couple of places due to his hiding under a duvet.

5) Michelle - A non-mover, despite catching Verne.

6) Mutya - Up two places for a sterling performance on the giant piano.

7=Ulrika - Crys over children.

7=Tommy - Slips four places for pretending to sleep through Carwash.

9) La Toya - Not unpleasant, just a bit too anonymous.

10) Tina - How can she simultaneously believe the following facts about her chances of beating 80,000 hits for her ballet challenge? A) "I'm not going to lose, no way, I'm on fucking Channel 4" and B) "I told you we'd lose, I just said we'd only get about 30, 40 thousand hits". They can't both be right love.

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 15th Jan

It's all change today, as we approach eviction night:

1=Verne - Still top because he had a race on his shopmobility scooter.

1=Terry - Slowly creeping up to challenge Vernon's lead.

3. Tommy - A big surge today for Tommy, principally for chasing Verne round dressed as a racing car. Oh, and for not being totally anonymous.

4. Coolio - Gone up a place for showing us his caring side.

5. Michelle - Down a place for too much whinging.

6. Ben - Was he even on last night's show? Oh yeah, the unscary dinosaur.

7. Ulrika - Making a late surge to avoid relegation.. I mean, eviction.

8. Mutya - Dropped 5 places for being a big sulk. Is she trying to get evicted?

9. La Toya - Might as well be a ghost.

10. Tina - Vile.

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 14th Jan

What a shocker! How on earth did Coolio not get nominated? Is he a genius of manipulation as the Daily Star claim, or was it just dumb luck? You decide.

Two of the people nominated (Tina & Ulrika) were in our bottom four yesterday, giving us a 50% success rate at predicting the nominations. As for predicting who will be evicted, JLS wants Tina to go and thinks she will too; I want Tina to go but think it will be Michelle that leaves.

Today's 'pole' is as follows:

1. Verne - Mainly here because JLS thinks he is cute.

2. Terry

3. Mutya

4. Michelle - The top four stay the same despite heavy duty whinging by Michelle & Mutya.

5 = La Toya

5=Coolio - I can't quite decide if I really like him or can't stand him - and so he is ranked exactly in the middle.

5=Tommy - Today's big mover going from 9th to 5th - I suspect purely 'cos he hasn't moaned too much.

8. Ulrika - Apparently she thinks she is better than everyone else.

9. Ben - Ben is surprisingly low for someone so inoffensive, but perhaps that's his problem.

10. Tina - She has to go.

The Official Celebrity Big Brother Pole - 13th Jan

After being thoroughly disgusted with the Daily Star's ranking of the CBB housemates, ie. Tina wasn't bottom, my esteemed colleague, Mr Joseph "JLS" Waugh, and myself have compiled our own, correct version (see attached photo).  We both independently voted and combined these to provide the definite countdown of who to like and who to despise.  The official 'pole' is thus:

1.  Verne

2. Terry

3. Mutya

4. Michelle

5. La Toya

6. Coolio

7 = Ulrika

7 = Ben

9. Tommy

10.  Tina

Come back tomorrow to see how things have dramatically changed.. or possibly be exactly the same. 

Bore Me More

OK, I know I’ve previously claimed to not like reality TV shows ('X-Rated'), but I’ll admit I'm already hooked on Celebrity Big Brother.  And, in what seems a paradox, the less interesting it is, the more I’m enjoying it.  I don't think that's as stupid as it sounds though, and it goes back to a long standing problem I have with BB.

For a casual observer, it would be very easy to label the current housemates as  set of dullards, with some showing all the personality of a damp sponge.  But this is a bit of a trick, since the endless parade of freaks that has blighted both versions of Big Brother have left anyone without a serious personality disorder seem a bit of a bore.  In television terms they're 'boring', but this equates in the real world to 'normal', and they've clearly gone down this route for a reason;I think we all want to avoid a repeat of the petty schoolground bullying that Shilpa Shetty endured a couple of years ago.  This reluctance to put anyone too extreme in to the house has inadvertently shown something that Channel 4 forgot a long time ago. You don’t have to play ringmaster to the circus of the damned in order to have an enjoyable show.   And, that simply watching relationships develop, seeing how they deal with group conflicts and the tedium of the house can provide entertaining viewing in itself.  You don't have to poke them with the cattle prod called Controversy every five minutes; in fact it becomes counter productive to do so as you get embroiled in an escalating game of one-upmanship with yourself, desperate not to have all subsequent episodes seem anticlimactic. If you have the courage to let things develop naturally, then sure, you don't make headlines in the tabloids every day and channel hoppers will think nothing is happening (and will tell everyone they work with that nothing is happening).  However for those who stick with it, you provide a much more rewarding and genuine experience.

I stopped watching the regular Big Brother a few years ago after becoming sick of the battling neuroses. When I first started watching the show, with the relatively sedate BB2, the reason I liked it was because they all pretty much got along, they had a laugh and you felt part of the family.  I eagerly awaited BB3, which Channel 4 had seen fit to spice up by turning it in to a hermetically sealed Club Reps. It might be me, but the constant slanging matches and people getting wanked off under duvets seemed like something of a decline in comparison.  Perhaps this is why the more sedate amusement of Verne’s cabs and LaToya the jester seems like a refreshing change.

Sadly, I suspect that I'm in a minority of one, and that they'll have Jodie Marsh and Jackie Stallone shipped in by the weekend to save plummeting viewing figures. I'll just have to make the most of it while it lasts.

New Who

When I read online that they were going to reveal the new Doctor Who on Saturday, I found myself to be unexpectedly rather excited. So much so that I found myself constantly flicking over from Liverpool’s match against Preston to catch the announcement on ‘Doctor Who Confidential’. And, it would have to be something very interesting to make me turn over from a Liverpool match.

I’m not entirely sure why I was so intrigued. I’ve watched and enjoyed the show since the re-launch, but I’m hardly in the category of enthusiast. I think it’s probably that, in the age of the internet, there are so few surprises for the TV fan. It seems like more people read previews and spoilers than watch the shows themselves. Sure, it would have been more thrilling for us to learn the identity of the new Doctor within the show itself, but this was the next best thing.

Throughout the programme, we were teased as to the identity of the esteemed actor, with the clues being that he was young, young and that he was 26 (which is young). I was a bit baffled; him being 26 ruled out all the bookmakers favourites. I just had my fingers crossed that they hadn’t totally sold out and hired a pretty boy type for such an iconic role.  When the moment of revelation actually came, I must admit I made no reaction; I had to actually wait until the caption came on screen before I was satisfied that this guy was actually the new Doctor and not just one of the crew talking about him.

Turning to my trusted friend, the IMDB, I soon discovered that Matt Smith is one of the most popular names on there, however, I didn’t find out what else he had been in. After a bit of digging, I found that not only was he the eleventh doctor, he was the eleventh Matt Smith on IMDB. That’s synchronicity for you. Overall my initial feelings were one of disappointment, mainly because if you don’t know the actor at all, then you can’t really play the game of imagining what he will bring to the part. Even an established actor that you didn’t like would still give you that dubious pleasure. But unlike some of the more rabid internet forum dwellers, I soon began to warm to the appointment.

Firstly, despite his age (yes, he’s 26, can we all get over it now please?), he definitely looks…interesting, and clearly hasn’t been chosen just as some vapid eye candy; there are a whole bunch of older actors who could of been hired with more obvious sex appeal. In short, let's give the guy a chance.  Secondly, he was the clear choice of new show runner Steven Moffat, new Who’s best writer by a country mile, whose opinion you can’t help but trust on the matter.  If he doesn't know who would make a good Doctor then I don't know who would.

All in all, it's made me want to see where they're going to take it, we just have a frustrating wait until 2010 for that to happen.

The Sherbys

It's that time of the year again for The Sherbys, the Sherby57 Annual Awards. It's a good chance to catch up with some of the more memorable moments of 2008. Have a look at them here.

Highlights include:

• Russell Hobbs' Crumb Collision Technology.
  
• TV hit "Fear My Clit".
  
• A poem about a dark rug.
  
• The Bushwhackers and their bobbing heads.
  
• Toastergate
  
• Hans Klaussner is looking for love.
  

What more could you ask for? Check them out now! I insist!

Ten Predictions For 2009

It's the last bastion of a lazy blogger... it's a predictions list! Admittedly, some of these predictions are so personal and\or obvious that I'm unlikely to win this year's Nostradamus award (I confidently predict I won't win it).

1. A day won’t go by without me messing with my IPhone to the point of obsession (and beyond).

2. I’ll get angry on a weekly basis over internet forums discussing either “why UK comedy is shit and US comedy is great” or “why US comedy is shit and UK comedy is great”, especially those contributors who state opinions with Hitler-like zeal.

3. This year’s ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ will feature someone putting their hand in to some insects whilst squealing.

4. The longer that Liverpool stay in the title race, the more I’ll turn in to a nervous wreck. If they’re still in with a chance of being champions in the last week of the season then I will have to be hospitalised.

5. Football pundits will give opinions that are so black and white, in order to make mundane incidents seem ‘controversial’, that they will cease to have any meaning.

6. I’ll buy books at a rate faster than I can read them.

7. I’ll compulsively update my Amazon recommendations every dinner time while at work, not satisfied until I’ve checked up to at least 500 suggestions. Eventually it will recommend the perfect book. Hopefully.

8. Sky + HD will continue to be an enigma, even after I’ve had it installed. The question will go unanswered; is it the greatest thing ever, or slightly disappointing?

9. I sadly won't blog as much as I'd like to and then feel really pissed off that I didn't, resulting in the odd week throughout the year when I'll post every day for a week or so, before giving up for a couple of months.

10. Computers will become so cheap that you'll get one free with Saturday's Daily Mail. This one is more of a punt than the others.

For some slightly more outlandish of my predictions, click here.

The Can't Be Arsed Factor

Ah, the ‘New Year’. All the best, take care, thanks for coming, see you next year etc etc. A time of fresh starts and half-hearted resolutions. My new year’s resolution is not to make any resolutions! Boom boom, ha ha. Hilarious.

Anyway.

What better time, than a brand spanking new year, is there to talk about last years X-Factor final? Well, probably within a day or two of it actually happening, but I was too lazy to do that. Sadly, I still feel obliged to finish the whole thing off, so here we are. Sorry about that.

Actually, I don’t know how to say this, other than to just say it; I can’t be arsed writing anything about the X Factor final. And this sums up the ephemeral nature of the programme perfectly. I’d love to be able to say that my previous posts about the talent show were simply me poking a post-modern thumb in the eye of irony, but that would be a big fat lie. It really did matter to me who won as I watched the final, and I would have even voted if my landline phone had been downstairs (I’m not a big enough fan to vote from my mobile). But a mere three weeks later I can barely sum up the energy to finish this sentence. I had so many interesting things to say about the final as well, but the moment has well and truly evaporated. And that’s how it should be.

Anyway, with that finally off my chest, maybe I can get going again with this bloody blog. Fingers crossed.